When You Sleep, Will It Be With Me

The hardest thing I’ve got to accept in my life is that my family’s choices are not me, they speak nothing of the value I hold, or how much  meaning is within me. I know they didn’t mean it. The choices they made were not because I am less than their personal drugs of the days and nights. I know these things, and I don’t want the intimacy I share with them to tear me apart. I want to stand tall without undermining my foundation. I want to breathe the hopeful sighs – After setting the pieces to heal – Where one steps back to let time do its’ part.

You know the days; The one’s where I’m so sure. So certain that I could walk right off the edge; And if I wanted to, come right back after going over like I’ve got control over the fabric of space and time.

I shake sometimes – It’s an anxiety I uncovered myself when I discovered I had been trying to pile things into a void – An emptiness I refused to admit existed for most my life. What do we do to accept ourselves? I’ve just been piling on logs every time I wake – Every time I rise a little quicker than the fears, just by a lick to see beyond them; I want my fire to burn hot; And well you know the passion I have, you’ve had tastes of the titian red illustrations I’ve thrown all over the walls. It’s entirely truthful, raw, but composed. It is honest. The most honest existence I’ve known; And when I begin to feel it spiral away, I just hold to the corners of the room hoping I can stay. It only makes it worse. They drag me down in the flames where I suffocate in smoke and ash.

I hate smoke, but it can really dance. I am no fan of ash, but it is something I must find comfort in if I want to kiss her embers; If I want to hold my own.

I’ve seen the blessings of a family there for you. A family that made each other feel loved. A family that gave you the concept of gold, and taught you it was nothing near as valuable as your flesh and soul. It is the most dam gorgeous thing, to be kept warm simply from a smile still going from the day they brought you home. I imagine the golden glow I’ll some day feel, when I finally get my own lit up.

When she told me I only snored once, I was proud and happy. My chest was all swelled. It was an incredible discomfort to consider that my presence could keep someone I slept so soundly next to awake at night.

Sometimes I find myself waking up excited, just to see her there next to me. I laugh gently with myself, I’ve got to do that – I’m like a child, awake and eager to see her open her beautiful eyes.

I practice laying silently for hours some mornings; Floating in and out of consciousness – So when she wakes, she might say she slept better than me. She really deserves it. And I try, I try; To be as mindful as I can, do all that I can so she knows she does.

There are nights where I feel her jump. She shakes. And I can only watch. I want to dive in and grab her hand, tell her she’s got it, it’s all okay, but I can only be there; Which in the long run is all anyone can be; And I know it means something when I feel her sleepily reaching for my arm, pulling me in to hold her.

I have slept well for a long time. I had to growing up. It was the only escape, the only reset on the day before. But sleeping well, and sleeping happy are different. And sleeping happy next to you, has shown me a better light to things.

 

 

I couldn’t help it

The Way The Whole World Comes Rushing Back When You Rise From Your 8th Death

And it’s like crash, the strike of lightning crackling about you! Do you remember who you are? I thought I was clear that it’s all short; You don’t get much before it’s time to go again, so you better get yourself moving.

Have I just… opened my fucking eyes? Or did I get hit in the head with a 93 million dollar painting; The way I’m seeing right now – The way every, fuck a standard of measurement, of you, glowing, I’ll rejoice to that – I’ll return to that – but do sunflowers happen to be on your mind? Is this night extra embossed, or is the sky a bit deeper; Someone slipped me some mint twigs because my mouth just feels like I could really exhale fresh air; I must have spent a minute in some wilderness; Really every second you’re about to taste is fantastic – I dig the way your eyes are about to ask me to explain how I knew that.

It hasn’t even passed yet, let me hold pause so when you turn around and smile, I’m right here to tell you it’s been a while since… only a moment ago. Yes, only a blink prior, we were in a wheat field with cypresses, and Van Gogh had been ecstatic to catch us in our passion – Unfortunately he was a few minutes too late, and yet we made such an impression on him that he decided the scene should still be bright!

I truly adore that dress on you. Yes, again and again, you do. Nothing beats the way you undress when you want me to kiss you in all the places that get you swimming deep in the pool – Girl you sweeter than a mango, I think you’re the fountain of youth! I am in awe, with all my mathematical acumen; There are no units by which to explain the way the world has tuned your sounds to complete this symphony. Sing now, and maybe we can stay – Lay down and perhaps we’ll write a play. Would you like that? Are you into roles based on the way you walk into a room?

I refuse to be anything but here for our appointment, and no less than coincidentally synchronized upon arrival for the date afterwards.

When I’m In Her

It’s hard to tell people the truth; You know, it is so difficult when she’s smiling and looking at me – Wondering what I’m thinking about; She asks what’s on my mind; And, it’s not her – How do you admit that, how do you admit that it’s someone else? I mean is it someone else all the time? – No. But she knows my head is a dangerous place; She shouldn’t want to be in it anyways.

Yes, it’s hard, but it’s not always so; Some days, the sad days, It’s so much easier to tell her because then I know it’s something else anyways. And she can be fine with it. And I almost do, I almost come out and sing the tune.

Hey, now I don’t want to lie, so the honest truth is you’re not on my mind.

And she doesn’t deserve this, to be just another one I lie to, another one I tell how pretty she is; And she is, she is very much so – Very much another one I lie to.

Look What Happened

What a dire responsibility to hold the wheel – I nearly dashed the ship up on the rocks. It wouldn’t be the first time though; Didn’t have a way out that round. Can I say I held on as strong as I could when you looked me in the eyes? Yes – The weak look away because it’s easier. I don’t believe the destruction really gets to me anymore. Do I prefer it? I can’t say I do anymore than the king who must remove a man’s head because the law is the law. I wish you could have kept your shoulders, but really you can’t go changing institutions. Just remember what can someday grow from the dirt – Magic is a patient thing.

I’ve been at this game of push and pull for a while, and I know how it goes – We both go down and when she comes up I might be thinking about you or 48 other people which doesn’t make it any more or less. This is just how we get through the pages of the story, it’s no different from what anyone before us rolled. No one escapes the revolving doors. Once our back foot leaves the dock, the ship sets off and we don’t ever come back. Magic is a forward moving energy, it never treads in reverse; It is always certain.

They tell me without a moments hesitation that I should do this till my end, that if I were to stop, the very act of not continuing would be punishable by death. It’s quite a paradox because to draw from where I do is already a sentence of the very abrupt type.

I swear I’ve got no filter, and the colors are starting to smudge – bleed – It’s all running.

Please wake me up before you go. I really can’t stand the scent of the lows, the empty places I’ve slumped into when I’m out. I need a little more, but time has allowed all that’s destined to be funneled in. Maybe there is some overflow; Magic leaves traces, spillage, all over the place. One just might be able to trace it back to the source.

I don’t think that I can control it –  I know I can

Went Out On A Blood Moon

I’ve gone off some deep ends,
Seen some people I know real well,
Forgot their names and played it cool;
See you bastards again real soon.

We was holding communion in the kitchen
Every one was cool with it;
Then you know who came in and put two into her;
Sat at the table with my hands folded,
at this point
I’m not really sure what to do with em’

A few shots and I’m feelin’ alive,
I spilled all my emotions tonight,
I’m not cleaning up, it’s fine.
I took the bullets and still won’t die.
Experience tells me I’m good with the blood,
Now I could really use some.
I could really use some

I’d love to dance and drink, and laugh with you,
Get’s me in the zone;
To see you light up in all your bliss.
Let’s go and strike the night
Come back and lose the light;
Yeah I put on my hazards
Cause I like you – I like you hazy,
I like how you can phase me,
But even then I’m a tank &
Drugs are incredible substances
Ain’t no need to pay me to say it.
It’s just something to get you along
Something to hold you up,
Something to put in your lungs,
When air just ain’t enough.
Because we all know the trouble,
When air just isn’t a lover;
Breathing is something you do,
When you first waking up;
That’s when I like to fuck.
Got my chakras all clear and I’m tapping some magic,
I’m hooked on that bad mix
And I swear that it isn’t enough
Cause I’m up and I’m hungry,
When you coming to fuck me?

I’m going out of my way when I should of went home
Now I’ve got dirt on my hands and I’m touching you,
This is the part where I’m rough with you;
Got me way too gone, how can I be tough on you?
Dying to meet your girlfriends that you said you might bring.
Hoping that they live up to what I’ve imagined
Cause I can’t be out here on no laid back shit
No laid back tricks, nothing but the most potent;
And you know the boys coming through with some off the cliff.
Brought the 12 gauge so we’ll have to piece back some stomachs,
I just been out and bad from way back when
I’ve slept on the floor and used a water bottle as a pillow.
‘I just wanted some head in a comfortable bed;’
I guess I could have got that anywhere.

When you come to,
Will you come through?

Why Are You Worried Bout Hell

There is nothing more exhilarating than the shared experience of joy,
of indescribable spur of the moment bliss that comes when the relationship between two things collide amongst the mass of neurons as a chemical cocktail of dopamine and serotonin.

A bed for sanctuary, much like the temple within you. Are you drunk yet? Have you wet your tongue?  You’re not quite prepared to pour, let us hold off for a moment longer. What can we find at your alter? Tube rose attar, protection for your secrets – Sub rosa, be it safe. What more will we pick, a sprig of sage for healing times, dispel the ego and find your ground – Empty out all the things that passed, with courage you are what lasts. And as we peruse the slab, naturally light by candle is the seductive lure that draws us near, beeswax -burns pure – and dripped upon the surface, elicits what we have come for.

I, like you, have sought to make certain of some things – It has only lead us to pain.

I’m waking up my senses again – Fire is an effort, passion is a choice; The flames must be fanned or else they’ll die; Feed the fires or watch them go out. Quickly, pour some of the bottle I’ve been keeping, it’s exactly what is needed. Close your eyes while you do, if you can’t count the flow, then we’re going to have to lick it up, whatever it takes to get enough. You should feel it now all in the sang, blood & song. These things are connected like the root and the leaves; Further along we just taste from the bottle. I like the way you’re looking at me. Was there ever a doubt that we’d run out? Not that I could ever hear or see! Sing now! Let it all out – Breathe, breathe, the flow always moves to please, you’ve just got to ride with this, and the river’s rapids.

Why you worried bout hell,
When we living on Earth?

I am trying to keep myself out of harm, I just have a little untamed wild in me. Some stampede, some leaping faith intuition; Some full moon howls and strong wind spirits.