I don’t think you’re ready for this. I don’t want to scare you, but everything I’ve ever done has been trial by fire. I know now the flames must be pretty hot, but you know I’m near the end of feeling the heat. Did you feel that chill? No? I must have been thinking of trekking through that blizzard. I’d pay the price of a plane ticket to that storm… to brave it again.
In the beginning we had this childlike curiosity, Oh it was infectious. Who lost it first? Heavens I held on, I never ceased to be amazed by you. I just felt shunned. I felt shut out; Like I couldn’t have from you what I hoped I’d tasted in every kiss…that initial fever never faded; The hint was on your tongue – I’m still in belief that I could unlock the mystery if I could steal a kiss every day until the end.
Look how I use my words, yet I never used them for you. And my actions were blind. I can fucking speak too! I never spoke beyond the obvious to make you certain of the detail, every fine grain of the world I felt. I have to keep going though, I can’t pause. I can’t reread because I’ll read you forever. I’ll read a line over and over because I can see so much there. Even I’m still mastering my ability to speak everything that is expressed quietly, and you know how I can go down.
I seen her dressed up a few times. Nothing made me feel more proud than the smile she wore when she was her all dressed up. Not for how great she looked, but for how fucking free and great she felt. I always tried to make her feel that way. I succeeded here and there, but I guess I missed a few exits. I missed a few lines. I missed a few nights. Most nights I missed. That’s just where I was able to show up at that time. I never knew I wasn’t there. Of course I was right there, but I wasn’t always there like I had hoped to be. I was lost in another direction, the ship was just off shore – You always try to jump, you always try to reach that damned ship, maybe even have plans to help raise the sails once you’ve found your feet on deck; but no one can walk the water – There isn’t enough salt in it to float me – I guess I’m heavy.
I still think on it as if I could have taken a different turn, if I had noticed the faults a little earlier – It just gets lost in the waves even if you think you’re keeping your eyes on it; Have you ever swallowed several mouthfuls of a wave that smacked you in the face a few times? A wave usually hits you once, but I got hit a bunch by the same ones. Is that like lightning striking twice or just shitty positioning? I suppose everything is how we prepare, and apply ourselves. It can’t be said that I didn’t try – was it my best? Maybe it was the best of me then, but I could do better now – If we were kids; I’d always let go of your hand a little reluctantly – Kids know, they know how swift a hand to hold can be lost. If we were kids, I’d hold you till my dreams dragged me off half asleep with whispers of you in the other direction. I’d wake up fast though; Excitedly remembering you sleep beside me. I mean when you did, if we were kids, but we’re not.
It’s no longer a surprise to me how I wake up – I rarely sleep through a night, I’m not restless or troubled. It may seem like I am. I’m just explaining to you in the best way I know how. You’re listening to me right? I know this is unlike anything before it. The message is the same. I wake up alive. I wake up calm, and ready to imbibe. I stopped drinking for a while. It just has a way of teaching me so much. I’m not drinking now – I wake up thirsty though, for water – Maybe a few pecks would suffice, I could never drink enough – Water will have to do for now.
I missed it. I wake up calm. So calm. Not concerned that it’s 2AM or 3AM or any time before 6AM. The number of hours doesn’t worry me. How many have I eaten to this point? I’ve got things to do that people like me aren’t made for… I am slowly convincing myself I’m capable of anything – That other spirit, we know he is capable of anything, but I’m still working into reality. I guess I’m in reality, but could I really come out the other end of that tunnel without destroying myself? Am I really that good? –
I know me You know me
Who the fuck are you?
Are you a sage?
Are you trying to look brave?
Don’t be afraid of me